Article 5 Avoidable Parenting Mistakes when Correcting Children

Discussion in 'Parenting' started by Abou Faaiz, Jan 4, 2016.

  1. Abou Faaiz

    Abou Faaiz Moderator Staff Member Moderator Brother (Verified)

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    5 avoidable mistakes when correcting children

    We can all probably spurt out a list of
    mistakes our parents made with us
    when we were young. For some reason, faults are often more memorable and vivid than the numerous sacrifices our parents made for us. Even though as parents we will make mistakes now and then when raising our children, it’s helpful to know which mistakes we should try to avoid when trying to raise them up to be good Muslims. Here are 5 discipline mistakes to avoid when directing your child toward proper behavior.

    1. Getting enraged when disciplining.
    One of the biggest mistakes parents
    make when disciplining their children
    is getting enraged when correcting
    them. Expressing your rage when
    disciplining your child is problematic
    for several reasons. First, it directs
    your child’s attention away from his
    mistake and causes him to focus on
    your wrath instead. The object of
    discipline is to guide your child towards proper behaviour for both short term as well as long term period.
    If your child is more worried about
    how you will react in your anger
    rather than what he did that was
    wrong, he is unlikely to benefit from
    your counsel or choice of discipline.
    Rather, he will become irritated
    himself and resentful. This doesn’t
    mean the child won’t comply in the
    short term. To the contrary, many
    children respond to an angry parent.
    What it does mean is that the lesson
    you are trying to teach may not sink
    in. It might even get completely lost
    depending on the extent of the anger
    shown. When disciplining, you want
    your child to behave not only immediately, but even when you’re
    not around, as well. Responding to
    your child’s misbehavior with shouting
    and aggression does not help him
    learn to self-manage his behavior. It
    merely teaches him how to respond to
    you when you’re angry.
    The second problem with expressing
    anger when correcting your child is
    that it provides the opportunity to be
    excessive when punishing. This can
    lead to abusing your child. Often
    times, when a parent is angry, she
    vents the anger onto her child. She
    does this by using hurtful words or by
    correcting with excessive and harsh
    smacking. To effectively discipline
    your child, try your best to avoid
    correcting them when angry.
    According to hadith, The prophet
    has said: Whoso suppresses his rage,
    while he has the power to show
    himself, God will call on him on the
    day of resurrection before all creation,
    and reward him exceedingly.

    2. Comparing Children
    One of the least effective ways of
    achieving compliance from your child
    is by comparing him to his brother or
    sister. “Hason always does his
    homework, why don’t you ever do
    yours, Jamal?
    The problem with comparing your
    children is that rather than causing
    the child to want to comply, it makes
    him resentful of the other child and
    you. Sibling rivalry is common
    between children. There are many
    factors which contribute to such
    quarrelsome behavior. Comparing
    children to one another can accelerate
    disagreements between siblings, which
    only contributes to additional
    discipline problems in the household.
    Instead of comparing children, a better
    method would be to reward and
    complement the child when he performs as desired. This is more likely to cause the child to repeat the desirable
    behaviour.

    3. Do as I say, not as I do.
    Demanding of your children what you
    do not do yourself is bound to result in
    failure. Parents are children’s first
    role models. Even older children who
    model after their peers, continue to
    look up to their parents for exemplar
    behavior. “If Mom isn’t making Fajr
    regularly, why does she expect me to
    make salat on time?” your child might
    ponder. Being a parent is an enormous responsibility . An important part of parenting is being the type of person that you encourage your child to become. Of course no parent is flawless. And this is okay. In fact, periods of failure can be a learning experience for your child. Let your child see you take
    responsibility for your errors—
    apologize to others in your family
    when you know you’ve treated them
    improperly. This will give your child
    an example of the proper way to
    correct his mistakes with family and
    friends.

    4. Not respecting your child
    As Muslims, we have an engrained
    understanding that children should
    obey their parents. Allah tells us
    in Qur'an about being kind to our
    parents. The Prophet Muhammad
    has instructed us to be especially kind
    to our mother. A child who is not
    respectful to his parents is certainly
    behaving in a way that is contrary to
    our religion. But not only should
    children be obedient and kind to their
    parents . . . parents should also be kind
    to their children.
    When interacting with our children
    and even when correcting them, we
    should remember to be gentle and
    kind with them. People are more
    inclined to pleasing those they have a
    positive relationship with. Speaking in
    a calm, respectful tone to your child
    does not convey a sign of weakness. To
    the contrary, it let’s them know that
    you are indeed in control—not only of
    the situation but also your emotions.

    5. Expecting perfection
    Often, when we catch our child
    misbehaving, we wonder why he’s
    acting in such an unpleasant way. We
    must remember that none of us is
    perfect. We aren’t, and neither are our
    children. It can be helpful to
    remember that we want Allah to
    be merciful and patient with us when
    we make mistakes. We should try to
    enact these same virtues when
    managing our children. When we
    accept the fact that our children will
    err and disappoint us at times, this
    helps us accept them as fallible humans and not view them as simply bad children. We are here to guide our
    children to be God fearing Muslims,
    but they have their own mind, desires,
    and temperament–it’s not easy to
    avoid sneaking into the cookie jar for
    one more of Mom’s delicious chocolate
    chip cookies.
    Patience should be our motto when
    disciplining our children. This will
    help us accept those disappointing
    times when our children don’t live up
    to our expectations. It will also help us
    become a more superior parent to help
    us avoid the 5 common discipline
    mistakes parents make.
    May Allah strengthen us as parents and grant us the wherewithal to give our children pristine Islam. Aameen
     
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  2. Nurudeen Sobayo

    Nurudeen Sobayo Member Brother (Verified)

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    The point i am taking home tonight, "Responding to your child’s misbehavior with shouting and aggression does not help him learn to self-manage his behavior. It merely teaches him how to respond to you when you’re angry".
    I have made this error so many times and i am willing to consciously correct myself to doing the right thing going forward.

    May Allah bless your Imaan Bro. Abou Faaiz.
     
  3. Abou Faaiz

    Abou Faaiz Moderator Staff Member Moderator Brother (Verified)

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    Aameen and you too my beloved brother!
     
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