Hubby, I want an ice-cream NOW – On strengthening the knot! - by Bela Khan I have been happily married for one and a half year to a man who is truly my soul mate! In our daily lives, I make it a point to try to stay on guard against Satan by consciously noticing how he tries to creep into our lives. Alhamdu lillah, hubby and I have never had a major argument with each other but I’ve noticed Satan trying to blow petty things out of proportion and sour our relationship. Consider the following: Me: I want an ice-cream. Hubby: No, it’s getting late, Bela. Let’s go home. Me: No, I want an ice-cream, now. Hubby: We have to get up early, right? Let’s go home now. We’ll come tomorrow insha Allah. Me: You always seem to have an excuse whenever I ask for ice-cream. How much time does it take to buy one scoop ? Hubby: Ok, fine. You never listen to me. Let’s go. Me (pouting): No, I don’t want ice-cream now anyway. Have it your way. Let’s go home. Petty, right? Yet, I can see Satan creeping in. Making his way. Burning our bridges. Building walls between us. But Alhmdu lillah, we usually bring them down before he builds them up. La hawla wa la quwaata illa billah. Next time, when you are fighting with your spouse, take a deep breath, pause and see if you can hear the insinuating whispers of Satan. When his involvement becomes clear, make sure you win, he loses. By ‘he’, I mean Satan, not hubby, mind you. The fight is actually between you and Satan, not between you and your spouse! Husband-wife relationship is one of the most valued relationships in our religion; so strong yet so fragile. Sometimes, it can be like being on an emotional roller-coaster. A small comment or action from one spouse is enough to tick off the other. Minor arguments can be destructive to both partners (their children and all around them), let alone major fights which are total devastation. I explained in my previous article that through our thoughts and emotions, we emit powerful signals which can damage our physical and emotional health. So, after a fight or argument with your spouse, how would you describe your state of mind? Dangerously negative, right? These negative thoughts and emotions emit such powerful signals that they can leave highly injurious effect on anybody in range. Your baby catches cold the next day. Hubby goes to work with the argument still fresh in his mind and the negative energies radiating from his body, nothing works for him and the whole day is ruined. And back home you get headache. You didn’t bang your head against the wall, did you? Nope? Then it is exactly your negative energies that are playing the trick. How much does it take to settle the argument before leaving the place and save yourself and others the trouble ? Kill your ego and make peace. Dig down deep and try to re-call: What were you thinking the last time before you fell ill? Negative thinking is a killer. It significantly raises the blood pressure, weakens the immune system and results in stress and fatigue. Research tells us that 90% of the deadly diseases are caused by taking “stress”. Couples who fight often (and consequently live in a field of negative energy) are more likely to suffer from high cholesterol, skin wrinkles (ladies alert!) and increased appetite. On the other hand, deeply passionate marriages reduce stress, create more happiness and decrease the chances of catching deadly disease. Therefore, it would be better if (at least some of the time) we mind our own business and stop spying on each other. The more you let go, the sooner will things fall into place. Good marriage is an excellent healer. Turn yours into a good one. Often the habits of our spouse that frustrates us the most are the salient feature of our characteristics too. We tend to ignore our short comings while blow other’s out of proportion. The result is that you end up popping painkillers with your head buried inside your pillow while the rest of the family members maintain a sacred silence because they don’t want to disturb you while you suffer a headache. Husband-wife relationship is the cornerstone of the Muslim family and society. It is on the top of Satan’s hit list. The Quran speaks about Haroot and Maroot who used to teach Satanic skills to the Israelites of Babylon. They taught them a special kind of magic- the magic that creates separation between husband and wife. “And from these two (angels), people learn that by which they cause division between man and wife; but they injure thereby no one save by Allah’s leave. And they learn that which harmeth them and profiteth them not.” (Al-Baqarah) The Hadith is also very explicit about this issue: Jabir reported that Allah’s Messenger (may peace be upon him) said: Iblis places his throne upon water; he then sends detachments (for creating dissension); the nearer to him in rank are those who are most notorious in creating dissension. One of them comes and says: I did so and so. And he says: You have done nothing. Then one amongst them comes and says: I did not spare so and so until I sowed the seed of discord between a husband and a wife. The Satan goes near him and says: You have done well. A’mash said: He then embraces him. (Sahih Muslim, Hadith 5032) Your marriage can not be alienated from your faith. Weak marriage is often a result of weak faith. I reiterate, when you fight with your spouse, it’s not your spouse who is your enemy. It is Satan who is your mutual enemy. He wants you to have troubles upon troubles, a simple conflict creating powerful negative field, leading to physical ailment leading to you circumambulating the hospitals leading to pharmacy leading to hard-earned money going down the drain leading to Allah –knows-what-else. So you see, the simple conflict isn’t so simple. It’s a labyrinth of evil that engulfs us and leaves no room to break free. Is there a way out? I am not suggesting that having conflicts with your spouse is abnormal. What is important is to maintain peace and calm and an attitude of mutual respect at all times and resolve these conflicts quickly and amicably in the spirit of Quran and Sunnah. ACTION STEPS Insha Allah, here are the Action Steps. Just observe Satan trying to come in. Slam the door on his face. 1 – Never sleep with an unsettled argument. (Imagine emitting negative signals the whole night). 2 – Give your spouse a big tight hug (hugging releases hormone called “oxytocin”. Check out part two of this article to know the world of benefits this hormone produces.) For those of you who have not done it for a long time, it may seem weird but give it a try and see the massive pleasure and joy it brings in your marriage. 3 – Rekindle marriage as an act of worship. (Even having intimacy with your spouse brings reward to you). 4 – Surprise him as he comes home by making his favorite dish. Tell her that she looks beautiful. 5 – Communicate and communicate passionately and lovingly. Don’t make it a battleground. May Allah allow us to follow His commandments and bring more joy, passion and happiness in our marriages. Share below your ways of surprising him/her. We’re talking about pleasant surprises!